I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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