You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize