Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just blew my weed a kiss
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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