He asked to "fluff my boner.."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
