I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
