I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
