The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
