I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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