My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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