Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
