Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
