There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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