Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
