i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize