I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
