she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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