what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
