My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize