he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
