Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize