Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
