Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
