My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
