Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
