I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
