what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
being pregnant is like rehab
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
