Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize