I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
