why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
