just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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