I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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