So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
