hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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