there's paper in my vomit.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize