cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
