Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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