I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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