I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
