I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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