did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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