well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
