you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize