When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
