Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Randomize
