Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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