remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
