I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
