I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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