Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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