My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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