Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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