There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
