Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
