I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
