Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
