i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize