3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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