All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize