My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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