I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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