god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
