OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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