he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
