the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
