His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
