Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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