He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
