I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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