just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
