highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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