I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
