Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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